Death by a thousand cuts

We never realize the subtle things that stop us from achieving what is in our full potential. We never realize what small choice can completely change the course of action of our entire lives.

The title might give an expression of a victim trying to share a dreadful story of how life turned all wrong. But this read is about the gradual acknowledgement of the fact that there was a pending death by thousand cuts which didn’t happen.

I am a feminist. I wasn’t earlier; when I lived in the illusion that I had the perfect environment without any biases. That curtain lifted. Now, when I look back there are instances, there are cuts slow cuts that hurt but didn’t break me. The reason why I am writing this.

Looking back, I remember when I started college, I was a hard working girl with good grades and big ambitions but something was different, I realized that those things had nothing to do with how I wanted to live my life. Within the first week of college, I was humiliated in my hostel during evening attendance (evening attendance — even the sound of it is now a bit ridiculous) for talking over the phone late at night. I was pissed but for all the wrong reasons. I was angry at the girl who bitched about this to the hostel warden. What I didn’t realize and get angry at was the fact that there was a culture that humiliated me for doing things that didn’t even feel wrong. It changed me I started being a bit more conscious of how I presented myself.

I remember the time when I used to have honest conversations with my then boyfriend and he told me at several instances that all the enthusiasm that I showed in college appeared as attention seeking gimmick. I still remember the words You are too used to attention, that’s why without realizing you keep seeking more and more. I would be hurt and would try to prove that I am not an attention seeking person, because my stupid little brain was wired to raise an alarm when you hear the word woman and attention in the same context. So, I changed and I tried really hard to make sure I do what I want to do without getting attention. But again this resulted in me counting every word and weighing every action.

I remember how the person I was in love with, who was always there as the crying shoulder could not bring themself to be happy when I climbed a ladder of success, I was climbing too fast they said. At this point of time I realized that things aren’t how I imagined them to be. Apparently in this world, woman are supposed to be a bit behind their man, to feed the ego and insecurities. They told me on several occasions why can you not wait for some time, put a hold to my success so that they can catch-up, it was a dream for us they were pursuing they told; and I questioned was it any different than what I was pursuing? But I think that’s how things are apparently supposed to work. I had to let go off the happiness that came from him and chose to be called selfish and judged by those around.

I remember the time someone batted their eye when I came out too strong, when someone rolled their eyes because I did things girls aren’t supposed to do.On how I got judged for the way I walked and the way I dressed and the way I didn’t gave enough care. And in the perfect world, I was told you shouldn’t have to worry about it; but I did because the world I grew in worked on approvals. Approvals that what you are doing is right, that you are the good person, that you are someone everyone likes and wants to be a part of.

And bit by bit I forgot a little of what it felt to be me anymore. I am thriving and I am doing wonders which people appreciate but I am still struggling to find the real me. The real me that would care a bit less about making mistakes and being too loud or strong. That wouldn’t find herself at fault when someone felt intimidated for I came out too strong.

But I am learning and growing to make sure that I don’t give up on what I want; so that beliefs and perception and the expectation of me being a fine woman doesn’t take away what makes me happy. It is a long journey but I at least left the station that had nothing more to offer.